Two images side by side, one enjoying a day at Ascot Races and the second in hospital

I have been both of these people over the past 10 months – and that really is the story of me living with active Crohns.

2018

Let me take you back. It was November 2018. Ahead of me I had Christmas, a incredible 7 week trip around Australia and Singapore planned and I just found out I landed a new job which I’d be starting in April 2019. I was so pumped for the things to come, but my body was having other ideas. My Crohns symptoms had started flaring to a level I couldn’t ignore and before I knew it, I was whipped into hospital to have a joyous flexi sigmoidoscopy to have a good old look at what was going on (I don’t have a large intestine, hence the flexi rather than a colonoscopy).

I always have sedation when I have a flexi (sorry but after 23 years of Crohns and some kind of camera up my bum at least once every 18 months, I made a blanket rule for myself to always have sedation. It just makes the experience slightly more pleasant), so when I woke up I was totally disorientated. When I heard my consultant say “we’ve found some severely active Crohns”, I was kind of hoping I was dreaming. Alas, I was not, and the second thing he said to me in my drunken-post sedation state was “but the good news is, we have options before more surgery”. I wobbled out to greet Josh who was waiting for me, still slurring my words from the sedation to say out loud for the first time “I have active Crohns”. The shock was similar to someone hitting me round the head.

For context, I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease when I was four years old and I am absolutely no stranger to having active disease. When I was 12 years old I had my 90% large colon removed, lived with an ileostomy for three years and was re-joined when I was 16. After that I had many scar tissue complications which involved multiple operations, but I never had any ‘active’ Crohns (read my full IBD story here). In 2016 I had minor-moderate flare, which I got under control with the liquid diet (read all about that here) and since then with the help of Adalimumab, I had generally felt pretty well. So to be told this was no longer the case and there was a very real reason I was shedding a large amount of blood – it was quite a shock.

So it was November 2018 and I was due to fly to Australia in less than 5 weeks for the biggest adventure of my life, and I had severely active Crohns which was in no way under control. The first thing they gave me was mesalazine suppositories – which it quickly became clear did absolutely nothing. I continued on the adlimumab, but as it got closer to Christmas, I began to get increasingly anxious that I was going to take myself to the other side of the world with no proper working treatment. Not to mention, I was exhausted. Barely functioning, barely socialising and barely stringing sentences together – the Crohns fatigue was REAL. Two days before we flew to Australia at the end of 2018, I was given high dose steroids. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I also wanted to feel well and enjoy the trip Josh and I had saved so hard for.

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Honeyzzz I’m back and WE ARE OFF 🇦🇺✈️🇦🇺 and what does an English person do before a 24 hour journey? Have a good cuppa of course! (With almond milk obvs) Christmas has been an joyous whirlwind and I cannot believe we are sitting here at T2 about to embark on a trip we’ve been planning for months.🥰 In all honesty, December was such an uphill struggle with my #Crohns – I did wonder if this moment would ever come. But here we are and I can’t wait to spend 6 weeks with my best friend & properly rest my body & soul 💖💖Hope you’ve all had an amazing Christmas – first stop, S Y D N E Y 🇦🇺✈️ I’m also officially open for foodie recs 🙌🏼 #abellyfullofhappy • • • • • • #glutenfree #dairyfree #foodblogger #foodblogeats #glutenfreelife #glutenfreedairyfree #londonfoodie #foodietravel #ibs #crohnsdisease #invisibleillness #gratitude #wordstoliveby #positivevibesonly #travellife #australia #passionpassport #sydney #nye #seetheworld #abellyfulloffood #sydneyaustralia

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2019

The Budesonide steroids got to work extremely quickly and our trip to Australia was AMAZING. I was still taking Adalimumab at this point, so I travelled around the country with all my meds (click here to find out how I did that) and I felt great, I loved every single minute of it.

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‘Will I ever be able to travel like I used to with IBD and my tummy troubles?’ The answer is HELL YES you can! 🌍 You just have to find out the best way to do it for you. I am so excited to share the first blog post of a mini series I am publishing on my site, which shares lots of tips and tricks I’ve learnt after my 6 weeks travelling #Australia. First up – ‘how are you camping with tummy problems??’ 🚌 This was the most common question into my DMs and I totally get it. Staying in a campervan or a tent inevitably means being further away from bathroom facilities & that obvs is a massive root of anxiety for many of us. And genuinely, if someone asked me to camp on the other side of the world 10 years ago I would have said no without a minutes thought. But I embraced this adventure and it was AMAZING. I so hope you find these tips useful & empowering too. Link in bio & as always id love to hear what you think 🌟✈️ #abellyfullofcrohns #abellyfullofhappy • • • • • • #glutenfree #senzaglutine #glutenfreelife #glutenfreedairyfree #dairyfreelife #londonfoodie #singluten #foodietravel #ibs #crohnsdisease #crohnsandcolitis #colitis #intolerances #invisibleillness #positivevibesonly #ibs #ibstips #crohnswarrior #australia #campervanlife #campervanculture #eastcoastaustralia

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I returned to the UK in February feeling good, refreshed and ready to kick arse in my brand new role, which was starting in April. That didn’t seem to last too long, as in March I was served with a stellar Crohns slap in the face in the form of an abscess on my bum. I unfortunately have experienced one of these before which required surgery, so I know all well how quickly the situation can escalate. I had three (yes three!!) rounds of antibiotics before it got to the stage when I had to go to A&E and have emergency surgery to drain it. It all happened so quickly it was such a shock – it also happened one week before I was due to start my new job. Talk about timing!

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Last Monday vs This Monday🥴🤯 Pic on the left: Last Monday served me a stellar Crohns shaped shock in the form of emergency surgery in A&E. Albeit minor, it was under general anaesthetic and has left me with a new wound to add to the scar party! Josh and I went straight from Cotswolds to A&E and 36 hours later I was high on morphine after surgery, with a open wound. 💖 Pic on the right: this is me, yesterday, starting my new job! No, I’m not 100% and I left early to have my daily wound dressing & lie down (literally), but I am beaming because Crohns has not bloody beaten me. 💖 I am not sharing this for a pat on the back (Josh, my friends + my family are giving me enough of those 🥰) I am sharing because this is exactly an example of when #Crohns will slap you in the face when you least expect it. But the point is with laughter, love and determination – there is nothing that can’t be accomplished. And a prime example of how you can never, ever know what someone is truly going through just by looking at them. Whatever your unexpected curveballs are, I urge you to laugh more than you cry, be kind to everyone even if you’re struggling yourself & trust that it will all get better. Because it always does 🙌🏼 #abellyfullofcrohns **FULL DISCLAIMER: I have not been this positive the whole time. In fact this morning I had a meltdown at my wound dressing because it made me late… but then I got a coffee & got on with it #hustler🤣☕️ ** • • • • • • #glutenfree #dairyfree #foodie #foodblogger #glutenfreelife #foodietravel #ibs #crohnsdisease #invisibleillness #gratitude #positivevibesonly #wordstoliveby #judgementfree #realtalk #wisdom #colitis #chronicillness #chronicillnessawareness #invisibleillnessawareness

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During this whole saga and the recovery period that followed, my other Crohns symptoms started to show their ugly little faces. The consultant appointment that followed was basically me crying about the abscess, crying that my symptoms had come back mixed with me telling the doctor very firmly (my mum said I was frighteningly firm!) that I needed a new treatment plan. So I came off adlimumab and started Ustekinumab – a different biologic drug. Little did I know that takes up to three months to work, so coming off the steroids just made me flare again so back onto the steroids I went. So as I sit here writing this, I feel amazing, but I’m on high dose steroids and Ustekinumab. Why does that sentence warrant a but, you might ask? It warrants a but to me because I am due to taper down my steroids very soon – and my track history follows the pattern of flaring up as soon as the steroid dose is reduced. So I am loving this feeling – but also feel well aware I have no idea how long it’ll last. What I HOPE is the Uste is working some magic in the background – and that will be what will prevent another flare up.

Now

This probably all sounds very negative – but the truth is, I honestly haven’t been unhappy during this time. Of course, I’ve had some real lows (the abscess really pushed me to breaking point), but overall I have tried to take it all in my stride and I have had unreal support. I started my job in April full time, but in June it became clear that full time shift work was not working in my favour. I went part time in July with the full support of work – and will continue that arrangement until I feel the time is right. Josh, my family and my friends have been there for me every single step of the way and I am very lucky I have multiple people I can call on if I need to. Despite my active Crohns, I still travelled around Australia, I still have been on holiday to Portugal and Spain, I’ve attended weddings, socialised, worked and I’ve hosted not one, but two A Belly Full Of events.

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💞 Crohn’s disease & mental health 💞 I’ve shown you so many ‘glam’ bits of my life recently that I realised it was about time I shared some other real bits – the #Crohns real bits. This photo was taken on Monday when I was having my first dose of a new medicine called Ustekinumab. I felt SO optimistic about this Med after my operation etc – and I still do – but my body had a very weird reaction to the IV (only temporary!) and I’m not going to lie, it unsettled me. Whilst this little wobble might not sound like much, the past two days I have been an emotional wreck. Welling up at a drop of a hat, having to practice deep breathing because I feel like I have an elephant is standing on my chest and then today I saw my GP and she said ‘and how is your mental health doing, whilst you are coping your Crohns?’ I was so stunned by the question I was speechless. Until I realised I legit haven’t been asked about my mental health by a doctor in relation to having a chronic illness for about 15 years. ✨ Of course my Crohns impacts my mental health. How could it not? Chronic illness can encompass your entire life – and recently it certainly has with me. My feelings aren’t unreasonable – it all stems from my brain trying to process what the hell is going on with my body. In my 23 years with #IBD I’ve experienced some lows but I have always come out the other side. Talking helps a lot – as well as knowing it’s okay to be angry and frustrated. It’s #mentalhealthawarenessweek and that is why I’m sharing this extremely personal post. Because I would hate anyone to look at my feed and think I cope with it all like a boss – because I don’t🙈 ✨If you ever feel like you need to talk there are many places you can do so – @mindcharity, @heads_together and @samaritanscharity are all an excellent place to start #abellyfullofcrohns • • • • • • #glutenfree #dairyfree #foodie #foodblogger #glutenfreelife #foodietravel #ibs #crohnsdisease #invisibleillness #gratitude #wordstoliveby #positivevibesonly #judgement #realtalk #wisdom #selflove #chronicillness #londonblogger #chronicillnessawareness #invisibleillnessawareness #mentalhealth #chronicillness

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My life philosophy is very much take every day as it comes and I truly live by this. I don’t worry about next week/next month and even next year, because I’ve learnt my Crohns can slap me in the face when I least expect it and I find it easier to just focus on the present, rather than worrying about what might happen in the future. Living with a chronic illness is a constant rollercoaster and focusing on the negatives never helps anyone does it? BUT what I do think is helpful is being honest, real and open. So I hope I have done this through this blog (and my events) – because I know how crippling isolating this disease can be.

If you’ve read to this point – THANK YOU! And I always love to hear what you think. This blog and my whole platform is about real and honest conversations. If I’ve inspired a thought or there is something else you’d like me to write about, please let me know!

Find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or email me on abellyfullof@gmail.com.

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Who knew it was possible to lie awake thinking about how hungry you are. I’ve always been lucky enough to go to bed with a full stomach (a luxury I’m aware many do not have). Last night I lay awake until 12.30, until I decided enough was enough and I had another shake. It was categorically the most unsatisfying midnight snack I’ve ever had.
I then spent the whole night dreaming about food. In all different guises – sometimes I was eating, sometimes I was watching others eat – in one dream I was serving food! It is unsurprising, that I woke up today absolutely ravenous.
If that wasn’t a enough of a loony way to start the day – I got into work and shouted at someone who looked like they were carrying a plate of cakes to my desk. ‘Don’t bring that anywhere near me!’ I exclaimed. He looked utterly confused. It turned out to be a book with a make up powder puff on stop. I could have sworn I saw a chocolate eclair.
 

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A eclair as divine as this

 
So I’m hallucinating. I am seeing greasy cheeseburgers and pizzas instead of people’s faces. But that’s ok, right? I mean, it is only day 2. And they do say hunger does weird things to people…
I went to work carrying a super chic cool bag today carrying my food for the day – 5 delicious elemental cartons. The cool bag was debatably socially acceptable (you can make up your mind with the pic below) – unfortunately elemental are best drunk cold. I thought taking a bag of ice to work might be a step too far…(and the BBC doesn’t have a freezer)
 

Why don’t Mulberry do cool bags???

Today I’ve drunk 6 cartons and I can’t get over how hungry I feel. I’ve also felt pretty faint at times – THIS GIRL NEEDS CARBS! I am supposed to drink 9 cartons to maintain my healthy BMI – but I feel like I haven’t eaten in weeks, not days! I’m told my stomach will shrink in time and I’ll feel full with the shakes in due course. WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN?!!?

If you’ve had a bad day – just imagine me shouting about non existent eclairs.

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